Leaving is never easy. Making the decision to leave, also isn't easy. COMMITTING to the decision, is not easy. But even if it's not easy, it feels right for me, in this moment.
I don't believe in right or wrong decisions, because then it kinda spirals you into thinking about regret and making decisions based on fear. All decisions have consequences, and a consequence is not a bad thing. It is just the thing that happens after you take an action.
I'm writing this after finalizing my shareholder exit agreement. In a couple of weeks, I'll go over the final doc with my team at Moon Candy and we'll all sign it. I feel sad, and my heart hurts writing these words. I'm sharing this publicly because I think it's important for people to know what it's like being a game studio co-founder (and because I know y'all are gonna be nosy lmao).
With Moon Candy, I was able to dip my toes into indie game dev (after leaving corporate game dev) and I fucking loved every second of it. The blank canvas. Being able to do whatever we wanted. Debating each other. Talking about the world and structures of power. Getting lost in our game's world. Defining our process. Prototyping. Reading & learning. Coordinating over time zones, chronic pain, and life. Shit posting. Being chaotic. Dreaming, dreaming, dreaming together.
I really did love every second, in it's highs and in it's lows.
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....
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except the part of not having money, and trying to survive with limited resources.
"Why don't all the laid off /burnt out people go start their own game studio?" Creating a game studio is different from creating a game. Your studio, now a legal entity, demands your time and energy, on top of game development. Beyond sustainability in our development process, we had to think about sustainability as a business.
It no longer just meant work-life balance, but also financial sustainability. We all sacrificed our personal money and time into Moon Candy. We worked really hard and tried to find other funding avenues during possibly the worst time in the video game industry, the worst time in our personal lives, and in the global world. The rejections and ghostings sucked, but we never gave up. Our team always regrouped and assessed our next options.
It's tiring. It was a tiring time. I wanted so badly for us all to get paid to develop our game & IP and grow our team. I craved stability in our personal lives. I craved stability in our world. We shelved our large project (another difficult decision) and focused on small games & jamming. We released Misha, I love you and we rested. We released Frog Bard and we rested. We rested. We rested. and I made a decision.
In the three years working remotely & async together, we have gone through some incredible challenges. And each challenge was faced head on with vulnerable discussion and collaboration. I love my team. I love my friends. We grew closer over time, and of course, we changed over time. Our needs changed over time. I felt that my needs were no longer being met, and what I wanted was different to what others wanted. So I rested. I rested. and I made a decision.
I think we were all in a fog this past year. I'm not sure if the rest of the team still feels that way, but the fog for me has cleared. And despite complicated emotions rising, it is so freeing. Honesty with yourself is the highest level of self care. I didn't know what I wanted because I couldn't be honest with myself, which meant I couldn't be honest with my team. I couldn't be honest because it was too painful. It hurt. And I didn't want to feel these difficult emotions.
So today I am sitting with them. And I am talking about some of them. And I have shared them with my team, and now with you.
A consequence is not a bad thing.
I'm curious about what comes next now that I'm out of the fog. I'm looking forward to keeping my friends in my life though. They're so amazing and I love them, and myself, very much.
<3